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Case Study 806
I'm 30 years old and I believe I'm slowly slipping into depression. I've had problems with self-harming in the past, and was hospitalized after an overdose during my time at university. I was prescribed prozac but never took it, believing instead I should just be stronger and deal with everything myself. For a number of years, things seem to be going ok.
Recently, I went through a bad break up of my first long-term relationship with a person I truly believed to be my soulmate - he ended it, returning to me all the photos he took of us together (a gesture which shocked me), and I haven't spoken with him or seen him since. I find it impossible not to blame myself for the break up, after all I do have a history of pushing people I love away. I feel absolutely destroyed emotionally, with the horrible guilt feeling to top it all off. Few close friends I have, continue to see him socially, so I feel utterly alone and unable to talk to anyone about this.
As I'm finding it harder and harder every day (it's been almost two months now), I began to think about ending my life again. A part of me realises how completely stupid (and unfair on everyone who knows me - the guilt trip again!!!) this would be, but another part cannot contemplate living without sharing my life with him. It's like all the goals I ever wanted to attain in my life do not matter anymore, because without him they would not make any sense or have any meaning for me.
I know this sounds extremely sad - but it seems that suicide is the only way to let him know how much I am hurting. I don't want revenge, or make him feel guilty for the rest of his life, I just want him to know how much I love him and how much I hurt, and he hasn't left me another way of expressing it, without losing the remaining shreds of dignity I have left. I know this is stupid, that I'm too old for this, but I can't really see any other way at the moment. I really can't see myself going to my GP and telling them how I feel - I don't think they will take me seriously. I've had plenty of advice from people to 'stop feeling sorry for myself because there are people out there with real problems'. Unsurprisingly, this only serves to make me feel even more guilty and worthless...
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