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Case Study 811
I've known that things have not been right for a long time, I've tried my upmost to avoid this depression by various methods; list making and trying to get through the list on a daily basis.On the week or days that I've managed to tick off the jobs/chores or creative endevours I've felt good, get up in the morning; check, have a bath; check, apply for jobs;check this sort of thing lasts a week at most. But I know its coming I know I'm just holding off the inevitable, it's coming for me the dark cloud, its going to rain and rain hard and the stalling is just that.
The fact that I have to put get up when you wake up on a list is a sure sign that all is not well.
Well the storm is here, and yes it rains, it pours, the rain is tears, half the time I don't even know why I'm crying. I wake up in the morning after spending hours trying to get to sleep and a restless night; wanting not to live, or contemplating how I might commit suicide in the least painful way. My days are spent doing nothing I just can't seem to get out of bed or bathe it takes me all day to just get to the supermarket.
The worst thing of all is that my son is only three and keeps asking me are you happy now mum? Or please don't cry mum, I love you...this makes me cry more as I know I am not worthy of his love..because I can't even be the mother I should be. I've even considered adoption because surely he deserves a better life than the one I can give him.
It is the feeling of my life being over, of having a mother who does not love me, of being trapped, of being tired of fighting, of being attacked by my partner whilst pregnant, of having aspirations that will never come to fruition of losing the person I once was. I watch movies and when they make me feel or laugh that then makes me cry. I just want to stop crying
I just want ME back.
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