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Case Study 846
I'm 25, female and have suffered from depressive episodes since I was a teenager. I know what has caused me to be like this as I went through some bad experiences when I was younger (parents divorce, mental abuse from my mother, distant father, abusive relationshiop with ex-boyfriend, lack of friends/people I identify with, eating disorder). I just don't know how I'm going to get better. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life, but it's all I know. I don't know how to be happy because it's something I've never experienced. I just don't have any motivation to get out of this state I'm in.
My doctor prescribed Fluoxetine a few months ago and I really don't feel much of a difference. I recently went up to taking 40 mg a day, so I'll wait and see if that works. I am also waiting to see a counsellor. I was signed off work a few times because I wasn't coping with my job and suffer from anxiety, a lack of confidence and poor concentration. When I went back to work, my bosses had a meeting with me to tell me they were considering dismissing me due to my poor performance. Rather than be fired, I resigned. I am now unemployed and don't have a clue what to do with my life. I have excellent academic qualifications, but I don't want to pursue a career in my subject. Also as my degree is not vocational, I am not trained for a profession. I feel I am overqualified for the jobs I would be able to apply for, but I don't have any skills or experience in anything I might like to do (not that I really know of anything I'd like to do anyway). I'm really panicking about my "career" and feel there is so much pressure on me to be ambitious and successful. I don't care about earning lots of money, I'd rather do something I enjoy. However, I'm starting to worry about how I am going to survive financially if I want to be independent from my mother.
I've always been a loner and at the moment I feel very socially isolated. I split up with my long term boyfriend (not the abusive one mentioned above) 6 months ago and moved into a flatshare with people I didn't know. I split up with my ex because I felt the relationship had run its course and I had treated him really badly over the years. We still speak, although I know I've really hurt him with my erratic behaviour.
I started seeing another guy about 4 months ago and things got really intense really quickly. I recently moved in with him because I was so unhappy in my flatshare and was spending all my time in my room alone. I am so in love with this guy and he's the only person I've ever really identified with. We have so much in common and he's the only person I've ever really been able to talk to properly. He's everything I've always dreamed of, but he has made it clear he doesn't officially want to be my "boyfriend". He says he's too messed up and not stable enough to sustain a proper relationship. I'm really confused and don't understand why he wants to live with me. We are really affectionate with each other and I can't see the difference between what we're doing and being in a proper relationship. I feel like I'm not good enough for him, although he has assured me that's not the issue. I told him I don't want to rely on him to make me happy I know he is not the answer to my problems. I think this is the reason why he can't be in a relationship. He has come to the realisation that he's got alot of things to sort out in his life and can't continue to sweep things under the carpet by being in relationship after relationship. He wants to help me though and to be my friend and introduce me to new people I can be friends with too. I think I can see the sense in this, but it's just hard for me to accept. I keep getting paranoid and thinking he's just using me, but I think this is just because of my low self esteem.
I spend most days just sitting about, not doing anything of any purpose, sleeping all the time. I feel like I'm in a coma or a waiting room, and I want to get out and do something with my life, but I don't feel inspired by anything. My self esteem is so low. I look at other people and wonder how they got to be so confident and full of life. If people knew I felt so bad all the time, they probably wouldn't understand why because to them, I know I probably appear to have alot going for me.
I know this is not the person I should be. Apart from the guy I now live with, I don't have anyone else I can really relate to. I don't have a social circle, mainly because I never keep in touch with anyone and they probably think I don't want anything to do with them. People who have never been depressed don't understand what it's like to be in this position. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems, so I am a total recluse most of the time.
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