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Creative Work 162
Hate has become an intricate part of my life now. I feel hate most of the time these days for the people who have done this to me. The worst part of feeling this hate is that I think of things happening to these horrid people ( even of them being dead) . A defence mechanism for myself so that I shall never have to see them again. This is the first time I have suffered from depression and its a great blow to my loved ones. Tho how they put up with me I do not know. Hate and anger keeps resurfacing every morning along with bitterness and the ques why me? I wish those wretched people suffer the same ill fate I have. Bitterness and revenge keep crossing my mind too.
Have been put on medication since the last year. Cant go out much. Have panic attacks a lot of the time. Spend most of the time at home. Ofcourse am a lot better than before but no one can say how long I have to suffer from this wretched illness. Seem to have formed a barrier to people mostly and can't seem to trust anyone anymore except very close relations. Tho I am so much better I feel I have to put up an appearance of normality with friends/ family.
Feel sad a lot . I was a very loving and loved person before, where did it all go. What has become of me. Even mundane tasks are a chore these days and every task done a bonus.
Anyway things are getting better now. The sunshine does mean something these days and the smile of children adds an extra meaning to my empty days. But forgive those bloody b******----- I shall never. I hope you die in hell....
For my own sanity I am trying to forget th past and get on with my life. Trying to understand how to laugh again, to enjoy the very mundane things of life, --- a child's laughter, the birds singing, appreciate the colours of the rainbow and flowers, funny tv or just the roar of the wind in the trees at night. Afterall you only live once , cannot think of living the rest of my life in a hell hole becoz of the past. Am only half way there yet. Still have my bad days when I crawl into bed and can't get up. If its like that let the day take its course. Don't change anything but as time goes by it will get better.
Things will mend itself I tell myself ------and learn to relax. God was a great player in my life before,sadly, I lost him somewhere in the midst of this illness. I only hope I shall find him again --- it is difficult but I just have to keep trying. So for anyone out there feels the same like me do pass on any comments. I'd welcome your feedback.
Anon.
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